Decisions
by redayo
Summary: Just a short clip of Phai deciding if he should move forward with his relationship with Alexander.
1. Chapter 1

Before I came to Mieza, I had been living isolated with my father with only periodic visits from my brothers. I did not have much if any knowledge about sex. I was not exposed to court life nor was I witness to any type of relationship. I could not recall how my mother and father interacted with each other when she was still here and the only other people I knew were men, my father, his friends, my brothers, my teacher, my fellow students; all male. Women were creatures that I did not even want to understand, I could barely understand my fellow man.

I interacted with so few people growing up it was difficult for me to understand all the social rules. There were different rules for different people and I did not really know where I stood in societies eyes. My father was a respected mercenary in his time, and when my mother was still around we lived among moderate society in the city of Pella. I am told this by my brothers, I really only remember the country house. Here in Mieza, the other boys treated me as if I was a lower status but that could be due to my age not my father but I was not sure of that either. Alexander of course was above us all.

My ignorance on society and my status in it created a fear about sex. I knew what an eromenos was and that Alexander and I were to close in age to fall into that category. But I was so used to feeling scared all the time with my panic attacks and episodes that ebbed and flowed into my daily existence that I could not rely on them to warn me of a true danger.

My feelings for Alexander were a mixture of infatuation, lust and fear for my survival. My mind and body reacted to the pleasurable feelings that he created in me. I rarely felt anything but fear so when he touched me and I felt passion and need it was something I wanted to re-create just being around him made me feel good. We would go for rides through the country side. We would race out to our favorite spot, under a huge tree. I would crouch low on my horse and wrap my hands in its mane my thighs pressed tight into its sides. The wind on my face and the landscape a blur I would race Alexander, my horse rearing up when I stopped abruptly. My heart would be racing from the speed as I jump off my horse taking the reigns and tying them up on a tree branch waiting for Alexander to catch up.

Alexander came up behind me and puts his chin on my shoulder his arms around my waist squeezing me. I relax back into him the feel of him heavy on me. He pushes me away from him and I turn towards him leaning forward hanging off the tree branch watching him as he ties his horse to the same branch and tells his horse Bucephalus what a good horse he is, how he is his best friend in the whole wide world. Petting his face, kissing him on the nose, sneaking glances at me.

"What does that make me?" I ask, smiling. He walks quickly to me and takes my neck in his hands using his thumbs to push my chin up. He kisses me, pressing his lips to mine, holding them there, then licking my lips with his tongue as he pulls away.

"You are more than that, you are everything." He tells me his lips inches from my own. I exhale the breath I was holding as I lick my lips where Alexander's tongue had just been. I step back from him, he overwhelms me with emotions. I have everything to lose here, letting our relationship move into the next stage could shame my father and me if Alexander decided he no longer wanted me around. But his words and the looks he gave me made my heart feel like it was going to burst with joy. I cannot let him see how much his words affect me. I push him away with both my hands.

"For Now" I say.

"Forever" he tells me desperately. I stand close to him; my face now inches from his.

"You cannot promise forever." I whisper. He stares into my eyes until I look away; looking down.

"For as long as I am on this plane of life and you are here with me; we will be together Phai." He whispers back at me. I take his face in my hands and kiss him tilting my head to the side to get closer to him. He encircles me with his arms drawing me closer his chin bobbing up as our kiss becomes deeper pushing my head back his hands roaming over my body. I take his waist and push him away from me trying to catch my breath and think rationally.

I must decide on a life with Alexander, a life that may propel me to new heights in my career and in society. A life that will forever be controlled by Alexander, in some way or another or to not move forward in our relationship and create a life for myself on my own. Alexander of course would have some control over this life too but not in an intimate personal way. He pulls me back to him trying to kiss me again.

"Just one more Phai." He smiles at me. Does he mean what he is saying? I want it to be true. I want to be with him always. I want what I cannot have, a life with Alexander that does not include all of Macedonia. A life with Alexander means a life interrupted by outside forces and those outside forces were the whole world wanting in our bed.

Alexander kisses me and I am filled with a need so intense that I need to sit down. I hug my knees and put my face in my arms. Alexander kneels in front of me his hands sliding up and down my arms, then to my legs moving them to kneel between them I look at him as he comes towards me between my knees pulling me to his lips.

"You worry too much Hephaestion." He tells me in between kissing me.

"You do not worry enough Alex." I counter. He laughs at this.

"If I worried as you do Phai, I would never leave my room." He informs me as he stands and goes back to Bucephalus.


	2. Chapter 2

Hephestion…Phai…his name alone when spoken no matter how quietly could turn my head in that direction. Call me out of whatever thought was in my head at that moment. Seeing him talking or laughing with someone besides myself could bring up such a jealous rage inside me that it frightened me. I told myself it was because he had not given himself to me yet. That it came from the chance that he might choose another. I would not let that happen. This thought was pure, undiluted and I would feel better instantly. I am the son of Zeus. Hephestion would not, could not, refuse me.

When we would go to our special place it was then that I felt the most sure of myself watching him struggle with his thoughts and feelings for me. He thought he was hiding them from me his inner torment but I could read him like a book. His eyes told me everything, those eyes…I could get lost in them for hours. I wanted to see them full of passion and lust. I wanted to stare into them as I took him. The need was so great I thought of forcing myself on him; waiting for him to decide was torture of the worst kind. I would try to persuade him, telling him what I thought he wanted to hear challenging him to bring out his competiveness, even making fun of his doubts and insecurities all in the hopes that they would push him to submit to me. All my strategies seemed to do was cause him anxiety, making his decision process longer and making me angry with him and myself for not knowing how to tell him how much I needed him. Phai has never given in to me nor would he ever give me something he did not want to give freely and whole heartedly. It was one of the reasons I loved him and trusted him. It also drove me crazy.

Phai hated when I would try to manipulate him telling me that it was the same as lying. I did not agree with him. Manipulation was a needed skill in my position and I was quite good at it. I decided to use the fact that I knew Ptolemy had it bad for me as something I could use to my advantage. Hephestion and I would walk to the hall together for our morning meals and sit with each other talking over what we thought Aristotle would instruct us in that day, who we might get paired with for wrestling, what we might have to eat for mid morning meal. We have been doing so since the beginning of our friendship. But this morning in particular I decided to go earlier then most leaving Hephestion behind and entered the hall alone. Cassander and Ptolemy were there already which I took as a sign from the gods. I walk over to them loading a plate with food.

"Joy to you both" I exclaim joyfully. They move aside so I might sit between them looking at each other with uncertainty.

"Joy to you Alexander" They say in unison.

"Where is Hephestion? He is not ill, I hope." Ptolemy asks. He was a kind boy never faulting Hephestion for my lack of attention to him.

"I don't know; Hephestion is not _always_ with me." I wink at him, putting my arm around his shoulder. He almost chokes on the fig he was eating.

"Really Alexander? It only seems that way then?" Cassander asks snidely. Cassander did hold Hephestion accountable for my lack of attention. He hated him and did not try to hide it. He harassed Phai daily and I would not do anything to alleviate the problem. If Phai was to be with me he would always have someone or many think poorly of him. He must learn to defend and protect himself from it. I was teaching him; helping him.

"Yes it must only seem that way" I say with a slight challenge in my tone. I see from the corner of my eye Hephestion entering the hall. He looks in my direction as I lean into Ptolemy whispering in his ear.

"Have I been neglecting you friend?" I reach over and take Ptolemy's knee in my hand.

"Alexander? Alexander!" Hephestion says loudly standing next to me now. Making record time I might add. I look up at him with not an expression on my face. He tilts his head to the side and his eyes looked huge and as if he was fighting back tears.

"Why did you not wait for me?" He's voice cracks and Cassander howls out a laugh, slapping his knee. Hephestion gives him an evil look and clears his throat as he rubs the back of his neck a gesture I know means he's uncomfortable.

"I just asked Ptolemy and Cassander if they thought I was neglecting them and they informed me that I was. It occurred to me that I could talk with my other friends about the same things I talk to you over. Why should I only talk of these things with you? It's not like you and I do anything else right?" I tell him and watch his face go from questioning my reason to understanding it.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

I have waited too long to decide. Alexander has chosen my path for me. I will be like all the others now, nothing special, able to go my own way. I thought I would be relieved but panic races through me. This is for the best I tell myself trying to calm myself down. I can only nod at Alexander not trusting myself to speak not with Cassander so near. My heart was pounding, could everyone see it? I put my hand to it like a woman and catch myself. I quickly drop it to my belt grasping it in a death grip. My other hand goes to the back of my neck, squeezing it. Trying to breathe and not cry. The decision has been made. Alexander stands bringing Ptolemy up with him, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and walks past me.

"See you in class then" He tells me and stares me in the eyes like he was waiting for me to say something.

Alexander and I are the same height but his body is stocky, broader. I am muscular but thin my leanness due to the fact that I forget to eat sometimes. The smell of the food now makes me feel sick. I walk to the classroom, walking in alone. I sit next to Alex as I always do. In class, Aristotle liked us to sit in the same place so he could remember our names. It almost seems as if the morning did not happen. We talk as we normally would, his treatment of me in this setting the same as always. But it was not these times that were special, it was when we were alone together.

I thought he liked to discuss things with me, I didn't realize that he was bored with me. I start biting my nails. Was everything I thought wrong? Alexander pulls my hand from my mouth giving me a dirty look, he hates when I bite my nails. He's so controlling, it is for the best I remind myself; this will limit his control of me. Or will it?

For our mid morning meal Alexander sits with Ptolemy again and ignores me; I cannot eat. The thought of him lying next to Ptolemy, kissing him, makes me sick in my stomach. I am so distraught by the end of day that I go directly to bed trying to sleep away my dismay.

Alexander and I share a room, a bed. I was hoping to talk to him that night but he comes to bed late and lays with his back to me. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to say anything afraid of another rejection. I worry the whole night sleeping only a few hours for all the time I spent in bed. The next two days and nights are the same.

What have I done! I have made a mistake and I do not think I can correct it. If Alexander would just talk to me I could explain to him that I changed my mind now. I want things as they were before. I missed him terribly, more than I thought I would when I was deciding. I missed us whispering into the night about our futures and dreams. I missed him holding me as we slept our stolen kisses when we were alone. The look of lust he always seemed to have for me. I do not want to live without it. This thought is so strong that it creates desperateness in me that I have never felt before. The thought of spending another day like the three before has me in such a panic that I throw caution to the wind.

I lay on my side in bed staring at Alexander's back. I move closer to him not touching him but I could feel the warmth from his body. I touch his feet with my own waiting to see how he will react to my touch. He does not move away from me. I place my forehead between his shoulders and again I wait. He allows this too and I feel a slight hope. I press my body against his back placing an arm over his side and squeeze him, harder then I had ment too.

"Hephestion" He says sternly. He has not called me Phai in days, his pet name for me. He tries to pull my arm off of him. I cannot let him go. I hold him tighter.

"Alexander Please!" I beg and I do not care if it makes me seem weak I am beyond caring.

"This is what you wanted is it not, for us to be comrades nothing more?" He tells me. I begin to cry and once it starts there is no holding it back. Alexander rolls over propping himself on his elbow looking down at me.

"No, No it is not what I want! I can't stand it! Seeing you with Ptolemy is killing me! I will give myself to you completely! I see now that you had all of me anyways, there _is _no me without you." I sob covering my face with my hands. Alexander pulls my hands away kissing my tears.

"My Phai" He whispers. I wrap my arms around his neck and quickly so he would not change his mind, I kiss him. Pulling him to me and deepening the kiss but he is not kissing me back. I must prove that I am willing to give myself to him. I push him back and kneel on the bed pulling my chiton over my head and take my loincloth off. Kneeling naked in front of him, I pull him up to me.

"I should not have made you wait so long for this. There was no decision to make. I had no choice. I cannot live without you. Please take me if you still want me." I tell him my head hanging down in shame. He kneels in front of me taking me by the shoulders and shakes me hard.

"You fool! I never stopped wanting you!" He growls as he lunges at me pushing me onto my back and sitting on my lap holding my arms down. He took me by surprise that was the only way he could pull such a lame wrestling move and take me. Even now, I could get out of this hold in a second. I let him stay there because his balls were rubbing on my growing cock. He smiles down at me then pulls his chiton off. He is completely naked his loincloth gone already, he probably never had one on; he was shameless. He sits back so he is sitting on my thighs taking my cock in his hand. I groan from his touch. I reach over and take his cock in my hand. He smiles at me, that wicked smile that I loved. He stacks a few pillows behind my back propping me up and kisses me finally. I sigh into his mouth then wonder what does this mean? I break the kiss.

"So we are the same as before?" I ask him feeling worried. He laughs loudly, a deep laugh. He spits on his hand and tightening his grip on my cock as he moves his hand up and down. I moan from it, my head falling back the feeling was so intense my thighs shook.

My sexual experience with Alexander was very limited. We had kissed and caressed each other but never full contact not that Alexander had not made every effort to do so but I was scared that if he did I would not be able to say No and now I know that to be true. His hand on my cock felt so good it was the only thought in my mind. I close my eyes.

"Let go Phai!" I hear Alexander yell out and I open my eyes and see him leaning over me and realize that I was clutching his cock; my grip tightening with every stroke of his hand on mine. I release his cock from my death grip.

"Sorry" I say shyly. He pushes my chest back.

"You can go first my love" He smiles that wicked smile and goes between my legs taking my cock in his hand and guiding it to his mouth. I lay back pushing the pillows aside using my arm to hold my head up as I watch him. Alexander was more experienced sexually then me. I have never been with anyone and he has slept with many already, both sexes. I wonder if he slept with Ptolemy. But Alexander licks the tip of my cock and I can't think of anything else. He wraps his fingers around the base holding it in place as his lips take in the head of my cock. I feel his tongue flick at the ridge on the head of my dick as he sucks and my cock gets harder still. I can't believe I put this off for so long. He stops and reaches over to dip his fingers in the oil on the bedside and I wonder what it was for. He takes my cock again to his mouth and with each bob of his head he takes more and more of me in his mouth. It was the most erotic thing I have ever witnessed. I feel his oily finger run over my most private area and I inhale sharply surprised how good it felt. I slide down a little trying to get closer to his hand. He stops sucking my cock and looks down at me smiling that smile.

"Do you like that Phai? Do you want more?" He asks me as his finger rubs me. I nod my head and then groan when his finger slides into me. I can barely breathe…the oil making his finger slide into me easily. My cock pulses slapping against my stomach. I feel like I could cum from the feel of him inside me. His face is between my legs watching; like he needs to see what he is doing. He rubs against something that makes me buck and I gasp from it. He smiles at me making me feel inexperienced but then I was. He takes the back of my thigh and pushes it up spreading my legs apart. I feel a shudder go through my body as he touches that spot again. I lift my hips off the bed bearing down; his finger goes deep and I groan again not able to control myself. I feel a pressure as Alexander adds another finger and my cock pulses again; wanting it, needing it. I take my cock and begin to pleasure myself ; the feel of his fingers inside me; my hand on my cock; every part of my body was aware; I could feel each drop of the sweat dripping from Alexander onto my body radiating from me like a rock skipping across water. I could feel his fingers reach into me then he would twist them as he pulled them out then back in making my body convulse from the pleasure of it. The pleasure kept building and building in me. Alexander's fingers making me feel something else, something more intense, more satisfying. I don't think I will last much longer! Alexander is above me all of a sudden. Kneeling between my legs he leans down and kisses me, a slow kiss, the kind of kiss I like. The intense feeling I was feeling drops a notch; I can hold on a little longer. I feel his cock press into me and I gasp from the sharp stinging pain I feel. He pushes more and I groan from the pressure; I do not think he can go any further! Alexander never takes no for an answer, he thrusts his hips, breaking through my last resolve and I moan from it as he goes deep inside me, stretching me, filling me. He kisses my neck as he starts to move inside me. He leans over me on his arms watching me as pounds into me. I cum; it rushes from me like never before. It was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced, I feel tears on my cheeks.

"Alexander!" I yell out loudly. I feel him cum inside me and I wrap my legs around him pulling him down to me as he finishes. He lays on top of me his head on my chest breathing heavy.

"Do you regret it?" He asks me.

"Only that I waited so long." I laugh. I feel sedated. The worry and lack of sleep from the last three days the intense release from the sex, I yawn. Alexander rolls over taking me with him holding me to his chest.

"You are mine now Phai; mine alone." He tells me as he holds me close. I do not want to be anywhere else but here with him. I fall asleep in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

I hold Hephestion to me as he sleeps. I brush back the hair that is falling on his face and smile to myself. My plan worked perfectly. It was almost too easy. I feel a slight twinge of guilt but push it away; he was taking too long to decide.

The fact that Phai did not want or need anything from me to further his family name meant I needed to be more creative to get what I wanted. There was a chance that he could have figured out what I was doing and turned the tables on me. He could easily have found someone to bed him. Most of the men and boys here would have fucked him; Hephestion was well liked and lusted after. He created bonds with people; they genuinely liked him. He was kind and funny and did not speak of himself, who his father was, his accomplishments. He was a good listener and men liked this about him. He was also beautiful. He had eyes the color of the Mediterranean Sea. It was a color uncommon in our area; they could hold your gaze forever. He had a strong jaw line and full lips. You could see that as the childish roundness faded from his face; he was becoming quite the impressive man. His hair was dark and to his shoulders, always falling into his eyes. He had thick dark eyebrows and eyelashes and the broad straight nose of the Greeks. His body was long and lean with every muscle showing just below the surface; small hips, wide shoulders. He was perfection and grown men would fondle him as he walked by. He would get a look of panic on his face until he saw me in the crowd, he would push his way through until he reached me; sitting so close to me that he may as well been on my lap. I was glad I was his first, his only.

I hug him to me as he sleeps. I've never felt such joy as I do now. I have wanted this for so long. I was relieved that now the rage I felt when I would see him with someone else could finally fade away. He was mine.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five **

I can't believe that I waited so long to sleep with Alex! Just one more thing to prove the gods knew what they were talking about! We did not leave our room for a week, only to go to class, we had food brought to us and bathed at night when everyone was in bed. I have never felt closer to Alexander. He knew every inch of my body now along with knowing my thoughts. Outside of the bedroom Alexander and I were competitive in our studies and combat training, pushing each other to excel. But in the bedroom Alex was in control making me feel vulnerable and submissive. He would hold my hands behind my back as he fucked me hard from behind or he would push my knees to my head and fuck me as he looked down on me. I could do nothing but take each thrust, begging for more. The feeling of helplessness was a turn on for me. I did not allow myself to let my guard down in my daily life but in bed with Alex I had no choice and it was freeing for me. This was a part of myself I did not know I possessed it caused me embarrassment when we would wrestle. I had to work hard not to let him pin me in a match because if he did I would get an erection. I would try to think of Aristotle naked or the verses of a song to try to keep it down but Alex liked to tease me and would whisper my pet name in my ear and rub his cock on my ass as he wrestled me to the ground holding my head down and that was all it took for me to get a solid erection, one I could not hide. I would sit on the ground trying to will it down before I could stand. Alex would smile down at me holding out his hand to help me up and I would give him a dirty look blaming him for my lack of control over myself. Which would only make him laugh out loud and me turn red in the face.

I had felt a fear of sex due to my father. I was never exposed to it in any way; my father did not discuss it with me. The only idea I had about sex was due to my father catching me with one of his friend's son's. He beat me so bad I could not get out of bed for days. I thought he was going to kill me. Soon after, I was sent away to school.

It was so different here everyone spoke of sex freely and daily. At dinners at the palace with Alexander I saw people having sex right out in the open. I tried not to look but it was everywhere. Some looked as if it was painful and were crying, Some looked like they were with the gods, moaning and yelling out. It was confusing I did not understand why my father was so mad at me that day if sex was so common. Was it because we were the same sex? I saw men with boys at the palace dinner parties. It was usually older men with younger boys so maybe it was that we were the same age. I knew I liked the same sex, women tried to bed me all the time and I had no desire for them. A deep shame hung over me. I remember my father's fist coming down on me hard, never ending. I knew with every fiber in my body that my father would not approve of my relationship with Alexander; no matter what his status. I had not been home in years and the abuse from my father was fading away like a far off memory. I was so removed from that life that it was easy to disobey my father.

I would spend any time off from school with Alexander and his family. My father was a scary person but the King was scary in a different way. He was loud and could be quite funny. Each year I saw him he would get more and more aggressive in his fondling of me. He would pull me on his lap and pinch the insides of my thighs; kiss my neck with his thick wet beard. It caused a panic to race through me, I didn't know what to do to stop it and I was afraid of what he might ask me to do. I tried to steer clear of him that was my only strategy.

The scariest person of them all was Alexander's mother. She reminded me of one of the snakes she always had around her. Her movements and voice could put you into a trance and then she would strike out at you with hand or words either one was painful, poisoning you. She did not like me but I don't think she liked anyone except Alexander. Alexander was her one and only purpose which drove Alexander crazy but he was afraid of her too. She had a control over him that I could only compare to the control Alex had over me. The sex making everything more intense; I was not prepared for it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Hephestion and I are at the palace for our break and I am excited that we will have so much free time to spend together. I wanted to just drink and eat and fuck Phai and sleep all day. My mother had other plans for me. I allowed her to monopolize the first two days home hoping that would be enough for her to leave me be the rest of my stay at home. But on the third day she summoned me to her chambers yet again.

"Mother, I have plans with Hephestion today. I can only stay a short time." I tell her firmly.

"I'm surprised your little friend has time for you he seems more intent in spending time with your father." She tells me nonchalantly.

"What are you talking about mother?" I ask as my heart rate quickens.

"Your friend, as you call him, is just using you to get to your father. Don't say you haven't witnessed it. He certainly isn't trying to hide it." She says as she looks at me, watching me. I feel a rage building up inside me. I do not know if I should be aiming it at my mother or Hephestion.

"Just last night, did you not see, he was sitting on your fathers lap whispering in his ear. He is trying to secure his position here." She tells me matter of fact. I think about last night trying to remember. I was pretty drunk but I do remember Phai on my father's lap. He would never…

"You don't know what you're talking about, I have to go." I snarl at her as I turn towards the door.

"Don't I? Have I ever been wrong before Alexander?" Her voice following me out as I stomp from her chambers.


End file.
